afraid

I am typically not a deep,  introspective kind of person.  The other day a song on the radio made me suddenly realize that my life was being overwhelmed by fear.  Yes, I know that “God did not give us a spirit of fear, but of love, power, and a sound mind” , but was I living that verse out in my life?   Sadly, the answer is usually “no”.

I choose to not ask my husband to do chores around the house for fear that he will get mad at me.   I don’t  like being thought of as a cranky old woman.

I choose to avoid him and stay in other parts of the house.  I am afraid that I will get angry with him for being so lazy.  I am afraid that he might suddenly feel the need to badger me about having sex.

I choose to not check on him when I first come home from work or when I first wake up in the morning.  What if  he had stroked out or was dead?  If I have to call an ambulance, I don’t want to  desperately need to pee while waiting for them to arrive.  Our animals need to be taken care of before that, also.

I don’t kick my husband out of the house because I am afraid that if he is on his own, he will get drunk and put his life in danger.  He could easily get beaten and robbed or drive under the influence.  If that happened, would I feel guilty for the rest of my life?

I don’t kick my husband out of the house because I am afraid that the cost of him living elsewhere will eat up the retirement savings that we have.  Am I being practical, or am I not trusting God with my future?

Isaiah 41 tell me, “Do not fear for I am with you.  Be not anxious for I am your God.  I will strengthen you, surely I will help you, surely I will hold you…”   I choose to believe that.

 

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