This morning I woke up with the phrase “whatever happens I will not be afraid…” running through my brain. As I lay in bed, trying to pray, trying not to worry why the furnace keeps running, that portion of the song by Tenth Avenue North kept a continual loop of music in my mind.
I finally did get up to check on my husband. He has been falling several times a week because he gets so thoroughly drunk. I am getting quite proficient at pulling him out of doorways and dragging him across the floor. This morning he had fallen again, but at least the door to the outside was mostly closed. (It is 0 degrees outside.) He had fallen in an interior doorway and I still had to drag him across the floor so he could eventually get up. As I was sweeping up the broken glass, he decides to tell me that he is fine, his pants are clean, and there is no blood on the floor.
I know that since he is currently very drunk and naturally combative he is unable to see the mess he is in. But, I still found myself getting mad at him. I told him I was angry at him for throwing his life away. I reminded him of how gifted, talented, and blessed he used to be. It ended with me telling him that I am still willing to help him get cleaned up when he sobers up. Then I gently slammed the door.
Which brings me to this moment. I am starting a second college degree and am taking online classes. Technology has never been my friend and causes me lots of frustration. I have had to learn so much before the classes even begin. Today will be filled with continuing to learn how to navigate in my new world and completing as many assignments that I can before they are due. I need to work ahead so that if my husband does die, I can take a little bit of time off from my studies.
It seems like a very morbid outlook, but it is my reality. It is a miracle of God that my husband is still living today. He defies all medical and conventional wisdom. The day could come that he would die from a stroke, heart attack, total liver failure, lung cancer, brain injury, or simply bleeding to death. (He almost did that in November.)
So, as I begin my new college career, I need to remind myself that I am in God’s hands. With his help I can do all things. “I have this hope in the depth of my soul in the flood or the fire you’re with me and you won’t let go…”