Proverbs 13:12 tells us “Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life.” For 4 days my family tried to get my husband to go to rehab, with varying measures of success. Tuesday the answer was no. Wednesday the answer was yes. We actually got in the car and went to the very first step of admission. Once there, my husband changed his mind so we went back home. Thursday was a yes again but it was too late in the day to do anything. Friday morning he had changed his mind back to no.
Friday I asked him if he ever thought about how good, gracious, and patient God is to allow him to live another day. He has another chance to live a life that is glorifying to God. He has another chance to determine to change and leave our children with a good memory of a dad who loved them enough to choose to live.
This past week has been very hard and somewhat depressing. It was the hope of him changing and then the reality of him still choosing the pity party that made my heart sick. I was caught up in the waffling back and forth. I was frequently angry with him. I don’t know if it was because of him changing his mind so often, or having so much of my time wasted.
Music really helps me to refocus on God’s truth. I wish that for my husband it could be as simple as listening to a song and having a change of heart and mind. I will not dwell on wishes and hopes too much, though. It’s too painful.
Never Too Far by Jordan Feliz is a song for all who are hurting or are in a dark place.