Not Afraid

Last week a dear friend told me that he was so proud of me for taking this next step in my life even though it is scary. I thought about his words later and realized that I am not afraid. I am boldly charging forth into a new job and a new mortgage payment all on my own.

Once I made the decision almost two months ago that it was time to leave my husband, I have not been afraid. I pictured myself as the person in Psalm 18 who was pulled out of the raging storm and set safely high on a rock.

Previously, I was afraid to leave him because I feared that history might repeat itself. Maybe he would fall down in an open doorway and freeze to death. Maybe he would forget to shut the front door and be harmed by intruders. Maybe he would fall and bleed to death from a head wound. Maybe he would be reckless with the space heater and burn to death. Situations like these and others which he was saved from in the recent past filled my memory.

Maybe that friend thought I would be scared, after three decades of marraige, for stepping out on my own without a husband. In reality, it has been many years since I had a husband who was the leader of this marraige. Partly because he opted out with his alcoholism, partly because I can be strong willed and independent. I have never been the fainting damsel in distress.

I have been impatient while waiting to get a job so I could buy a house. I have been unsure of whether it was God’s plan for me to be a nurse or go back to a minimum wage job. I was unsure of whether God would want me to live in a small apartment by myself to learn life lessons which I need, or to have a large house of my dreams with my piano and my dogs. I just knew that I needed to get away from my husband so that there will be room for him to achieve real repentance and change. And, I knew that God is always good to me.

God indeed has blessed me beyond my wildest dreams. I did pass the licensing exam and was given a job that is totally suited to my abilities and interests. I now own a house which is bigger and in better shape than I even thought was possible given my financial status.

A couple weeks ago, my Bible reading ended up in Joel 2: ” I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten…” That was the day that I found out I had passed the licensing exam and this entire process of new house and new job was set in motion. I have been blessed with much more than I ever asked for.

a new chapter: divorce

I have spent the day searching for jobs only to keep finding that I need to have my license before they will even look at me. I am waiting to hear when I can take the licensing exam. I have been looking for homes and met with a realtor today. I cannot get preapproved for a loan until I turn in bank documents. I cannot turn in bank documents until I split our assets.

Waiting patiently for all these things is difficult for me. I decided to finally tell husband that we should split our assets because I want to move. He asked me why. I told him that it was depressing to live here. I didn’t tell him how disappointed I was that he drank 12 glasses of wine in 12 hours.

He said that if we are going to split up we should do it totally and get divorced. He believes that I have wanted to divorce him for years. I quietly told him that he was wrong. Perhaps I should have told him that when I first told my mom of my plan to leave husband, I was a blubbering, sobbing mess. Even now, I am very sad. We have almost 35 years together and husband, for better or worse, holds a huge place in my heart. He used to be a wonderful man.

The song in my head sings “You deserve the greater glory, overcome with joy I sing…” I really don’t feel overcome with joy right now, but I will do my best to be obedient in the sad times and choose to praise God, my good and gracious King.

Fixing my eyes…

This morning began with a song of praise in my head. “We will fix our eyes on the one who overcame. We will stand in awe of the one who breaks the chains. Love has a name – Jesus. Joy has a name – Jesus.”

I was determined to choose to focus on that truth today no matter how my day goes.

Husband had been up all night doing nothing productive. I came to the kitchen to find dirty dishes and garbage on the table. I went down to the basement to find him awake. His pile of dirty clothes from the past several months was still on the floor, waiting to be thrown into the washing machine. I asked him again if he would apply for disability because he is an alcoholic.

“I am not an alcoholic and I am going to get a job.”

I tried to point out that the 11 cans of beer he consumed in the past 9 hours tells a different story. He believes that 8-12 cans of beer is ok because it is not vodka. I am over-reacting. He informed me that he is waiting for that ideal job and in the meantime he is going to pursue his (expensive) hobby of photography. He told me to go back upstairs and stop talking to him. I did get a bit angry and told him to stop bossing me around.

I chose to go back upstairs for it was futile to reason with him. This whole situation is quite sad, but I cannot dwell on that. “Victory has a name – Jesus…” still runs through my head. Perhaps someday husband will change.

It is time to go to the bank and split our assets.

it’s time for something different

School is over and a new career is beginning. Husband has not changed. I told him in two separate conversations that it would be best if we split up. Needless to say, he did not take it well.

I tried to get him to see that he has not changed this entire time that I have stayed with him, so perhaps we should separate. He is back to drinking 8-12 cans of beer every 24 hours. He has not even looked at the job market to see what type of employment he could get. He has a bag of dirty clothes in his room that should have been washed 6 months ago. Recently I had to go out of town for 24 hours. When I came home, there was garbage and stale food covering the kitchen table.

The book of Thessalonians gives the command to leave the person who is idle and refuses to work. For years, Husband has blamed me for his alcoholism and has been enabled to continue drinking because I have been there to make sure he is safe and clean up after him. No more. I have chosen to leave. I would rather that he moves out, but in the meantime I am looking for a house of my own.

I do not feel happy or excited about splitting up with my husband. But, I do feel liberated, at peace, and strangely content. Psalm 16 tells me that God had planned the place and time for me to live, and it is good. Looking over my life, I see that and believe that. I don’t know what my living arrangements will be like a month from now, but I trust that it will be good.

another chance

So many things have happened since my last post. Adult child who lives at home is not quite the out-of-control wreck as previously, and can carry on short conversations with me.

God has been faithful is seeing me through another section of my education. People have been put into my life that have blessed me in great ways. My patients and clinical experiences have been wonderful.

Husband decided to give up drinking vodka and switched to only beer or wine. It took a while, but he was able to go from drinking 12 cans a day to only having 4-6 cans a day. He still believes that he is not an alcoholic. He asked his oncologist if it was ok to drink about 5 cans of beer a day. The different type of alcohol changed his personality back to the kind man I had married. He even was able to eventually wash a few dishes and gather up trash now and then.

Husband had surgery to reverse his ostomy. No more signs of cancer. No complications which would normally be expected in a person with his health history. I had a few conversations with him while he spent a week in the hospital recovering. “This is another chance at life, how are you going to make the best of it?” Hospital staff tried to educate him on the dangers of cigarettes and alcohol, especially when one is trying to heal. I tried to get him to see the example that he was setting for our kids.

First thing he did when he came home from the hospital was to go have a smoke. He couldn’t have any alcohol because he had drank all of his supply before the surgery. He was in no shape to drive anywhere so he had to go without. Two full weeks of no alcohol and I was believing that he could truly change his life. Last night he drove to the store and bought beer. He consumed only 2 cans before he went to bed, but that number will increase over time. He is an alcoholic.

I am thankful that he is alive for many reasons. I don’t need the added stress and grief which would come with being a widow. I definitely don’t want to see my kids suffer. Life with an alcoholic parent can be hellish, but working through the emotional issues after that parent dies can be just as bad or worse.

So I am back on this crazy train of dysfunction and destruction. I am ok with that. My life is built on a firm foundation of faith in the God who loves me.

Amazing things

I laughed in joy, awe, and wonder at God this morning. In spite of everything, God is miraculously keeping my husband alive. I was reminded of the movie “Groundhog Day” where the main character kept trying to kill himself, only to find that he wakes up again to repeat that day. It seems that, no matter what my husband does to destroy his body, God defies medical textbooks and keeps him functioning. The One who gives life to all has a purpose for this broken man. Perhaps my husband’s purpose for living today is to cause me to marvel at the greatness of God.

This morning I noticed how many cans of sodapop husband consumes on a daily basis. He exists on a diet of that sugar, alcohol (sugar), breakfast cereal (carbohydrates), crackers (carbohydrates), ice cream (sugar), and extremely fatty meat. Add to that his smoking and very little physical movement and you will get a recipe for destruction, disease, and death. So far, though, all medical labs and tests have shown that all his body parts are fine. No high blood sugar. Lungs clear. Liver still functioning. Even that crack on the head yesterday apparently did no damage.

Wow. “Who can fathom all His wondrous deeds?… All creation rises to rejoice…Come let us adore Him.”

Surgery

Today husband wants to live and is having surgery to remove cancer. He has taken the first step towards a new life and sent a written apology to our grown children. I want to believe he will kick the alcohol addiction, but I don’t want to get my hopes up only to be dashed again. The song by Tenth Avenue North expresses it well:

“I’m tired, I’m worn, my heart is weary…I know that you can give me rest…let me know…that you can mend a heart that’s frail and torn, I wanna know a  song can rise from the ashes of a broken life…I’m worn even before the day begins…I wanna know…all that’s dead inside will be reborn…”

So many things going on in my life at one time, I have to consciously turn everything over to God and just take one small piece at a time to work on. My hands cannot hold it all, but God’s hands can. I am only strong when I don’t rely on my own strength.

I am so thankful to be surrounded by family today while husband is in surgery. I cannot express how loved I feel when I know that people from my church’s prayer chain are praying for us today. I am beyond blessed. I still have moments of fear and vulnerability, though, because I am worn.

Becoming Free

So, shortly after my last post, husband decided that he would go to the hospital. I think that it was the threat of not seeing our kids that finally got him to change his mind, or maybe it was just God’s perfect timing. If he had chosen to wait much longer he would have died. At least that is what all the textbooks indicate. However, God is doing something amazing with my husband. Results from the hospital labs would indicate that husband should not be breathing on his own, have a functioning heart, able to walk, or think clearly. But he is. Several days in the hospital with no alcohol and he has no detox/withdrawal symptoms. God must still have plans for his life.

One song that has been running through my head this whole time is from Rend Collective.  

“All that I am for all that You are… it’s only in surrender that I’m free.”

I cannot juggle all of life by myself. I need to constantly remind myself to surrender to God, for He can manage it all. It is the only way I can stay sane. That is the only reason I have been able to be at peace and carry on with school and family.

Sunday, my pastor was teaching on repairing relationships and came to Proverbs 25:21-22. He asked, “Can I hurt more for the person who harmed me than the hurt they inflicted on me? This is true freedom.”

Husband still needs to make choices to surrender his life to God, to not go back to his old ways, and become truly free. I am not so sure that I hurt more for husband than the harm that he has done to me and the children. To become truly free I need to also make choices.

Determination

“For this God is our God for ever and ever;  he will be our guide even to the end.”  Psalm 48:14    

“Build My Life” by Pat Barrett has been running through my mind for a couple weeks. When I feel like I just can’t carry on in this dysfunctional home I live in, when the amount of schoolwork is overwhelming, when my best efforts just aren’t good enough, when the future looks like it will not be what I have always hoped for – this song reminds me of truth. Like the king who rallies his troops before charging into battle, this song has bolstered my spirit.

Husband’s health is still deteriorating, and he complains about it. When I ask him if he wants to see a doctor, his reply is always negative. He says that he would rather kill himself. Cranky, sarcastic me thinks “What are you waiting for?” Deep down, I know that all life is precious and a gift to be cherished. I just don’t always feel that way when it comes to my husband’s life. That is the ugly sinful side of me coming out.

I don’t feel like a mighty warrior, ready to ride gloriously into battle with Gandalf and Aragorn to defeat all my enemies. But, I can get through this day and accomplish all that there is for me to do. Strength just for today. Today I live for Jesus. I will build my life upon his love and not be shaken.

Surprise, I Still Love Him

Today I wept as I washed vomit off the floor. When my husband first told me that he had thrown up and was able to clean most of it up, I was a little angry. As I gathered up the trash, his dirty linens and clothes and took care of it all, I was a bit resentful but trying to be thankful. As I spent time on my knees washing the floor, I was suddenly overwhelmed with sadness and the realization that I do still love my husband. I prayed that he wouldn’t suffer. I thought about the song from Fiddler on the Roof, “Do You Love Me”. I remembered times when I had participated in foot-washing ceremonies and how that had made me feel overwhelming compassion for the one whose feet I washed. There is something about getting on your knees to serve another that moves the heart to love and mercy.

Those intense feelings went away after the room was clean. I still want to keep my distance from him. Let’s call it protecting my mental health.