Surgery

Today husband wants to live and is having surgery to remove cancer. He has taken the first step towards a new life and sent a written apology to our grown children. I want to believe he will kick the alcohol addiction, but I don’t want to get my hopes up only to be dashed again. The song by Tenth Avenue North expresses it well:

“I’m tired, I’m worn, my heart is weary…I know that you can give me rest…let me know…that you can mend a heart that’s frail and torn, I wanna know a  song can rise from the ashes of a broken life…I’m worn even before the day begins…I wanna know…all that’s dead inside will be reborn…”

So many things going on in my life at one time, I have to consciously turn everything over to God and just take one small piece at a time to work on. My hands cannot hold it all, but God’s hands can. I am only strong when I don’t rely on my own strength.

I am so thankful to be surrounded by family today while husband is in surgery. I cannot express how loved I feel when I know that people from my church’s prayer chain are praying for us today. I am beyond blessed. I still have moments of fear and vulnerability, though, because I am worn.

Determination

“For this God is our God for ever and ever;  he will be our guide even to the end.”  Psalm 48:14    

“Build My Life” by Pat Barrett has been running through my mind for a couple weeks. When I feel like I just can’t carry on in this dysfunctional home I live in, when the amount of schoolwork is overwhelming, when my best efforts just aren’t good enough, when the future looks like it will not be what I have always hoped for – this song reminds me of truth. Like the king who rallies his troops before charging into battle, this song has bolstered my spirit.

Husband’s health is still deteriorating, and he complains about it. When I ask him if he wants to see a doctor, his reply is always negative. He says that he would rather kill himself. Cranky, sarcastic me thinks “What are you waiting for?” Deep down, I know that all life is precious and a gift to be cherished. I just don’t always feel that way when it comes to my husband’s life. That is the ugly sinful side of me coming out.

I don’t feel like a mighty warrior, ready to ride gloriously into battle with Gandalf and Aragorn to defeat all my enemies. But, I can get through this day and accomplish all that there is for me to do. Strength just for today. Today I live for Jesus. I will build my life upon his love and not be shaken.